Its that time in life we get this feeling that we are under pressure without someone actually pressuring. Yet you know it exits and you dread the day when the question would be asked? Guys around the age 27 to 32 should guess it instantly. This post is for the guys who might be able relate to this post. This written from a guys point of view and no offense must be taken.
Iam talking about “getting hooked” stage. Having reached the marriageable age, Iam forced into answering questions that iam generally uncomfortable with. Guys who stayed home all their life might have had it easier as this might have been broached with a playful mixture of humor and urgency. Thats an odd combination but it works very well. For the fortunate/unfortunate few, having spent better half of their lives away from home find it difficult to deal with the hurried and compulsive manner in which these questions are asked. I must admit that my visits home have considerably reduced ever since these questions started popping up. During my recent visit home, I had to face the question and this is a little snippet of what I went through.
Without naming the people involved, I will use “MM:y” as notation for Male Member followed ‘y’ which specifies the individual identity. Eg MM:1 would mean Male Member 1 of my family. For the female members it would be “FM:x” where ‘x’ denotes some random number. There is also a pun…y – for male and x – for female (get it?) if not forget it, you will get married. For those who got the pun, seriously try to get a life and stop reading this post.
Its been a long time since I had gone home, so this time I decided to work from home for a week hoping that will close any further conversations of me not coming home regularly. I was chilling out over the weekend and my folks were all very happy to see me home and I got all that I wanted, my favorite food, tv control during peak weepy serial hours, my old room for myslef and so on. Like the saying goes “Its always quite before the storm” all was very quite. I should have noticed the change in attitude of these people towards me and got the next flight back to work, but I decided to take my chance.
Scene 1: Take 1: Sat Evening, hot humid air blowing through the window. Its around 7 p.m. I was sitting on the swing and watching the spider near me build its web. There was a sudden disturbance and I saw people (family members) from all rooms enter the hall at the same time. The poor spider got scared and fell down from its cobweb. They proceeded to get seated on sofa’s surrounding the swing.
MM:1 – How is your work?
Me – Like always. Why you want to know about my work? And why are you all staring at me?
MM:2 had a sharp stare that would out do even Vijaykanth. I was hoping that he was staring at that spider and not me. FM:1 was busy looking into the magazine she just found on the sofa with one eye on the page and another on me. It looked liked some bad actor who plays the role of suspect in a cheezy detective movie. FM:2 was busy trying to remove some dirt from her gold bangles. Had we had a CCTV she would have accused of bangle-tampering (cricket jargon). FM:3 looking straight at me with a smirk on her lips. Only thing that is stopping her from saying “you are in a soup now” is her nose which is sniffing out the wonderful smell of junk food in the kitchen.
Me – OK, I dont know what you guys are here for, but dont tell me you want the remote. You are not getting it.
MM:2 – We dont want remote, we want to talk to you.
Panic Panic Panic
Me – Are you guys breaking up with me? Err… you know…you know.. with use of “talk to you” phrase and all……
All were silent and iam sure they didnt get the lame joke.
MM:2 – Do you realize you are 27? Have you thought about your future?
Me – Is there a rule that I have to think about my future at 27?
MM:2 – Yes, a family rule. You are a big boy now and you know your responsibilities…
Me – If by responsibilities you mean taking care of you, I have designated that work to FM:3
People giggling followed by “Thats not true” echoed in the hall.
MM:1 – Do you have a girl friend?
Gosh! That was direct!
Me (nervously) – No! Why you want to know that?
FM:2 – If you like someone let us know. We can talk to her family and get you two married.
FM:1 – We dont care about her background, she only needs to be a decent human being.
Ok, so they want it to be “her” and that “her” has to be a human being. What are they expecting? I would fall for a “him” from “mars”?
Me – AFAIK, no! But if something shows up, ill get back to you!
MM:2 – Something shows up? Your time to find that “something” is over. What were you doing in college? You marks doesn’t show you concentrated on studies. Your one stupid gold medal in TT doesn’t prove you were concentrating on sports either. IMO, you wasted 4 years on Books a.k.a Magazines and CDs. If you would have reduced those 2 activities then may be you would found time for something. Now its time for us to take control.
Why should everyone know about the books and cds 😦. I can hear the spider rotfl. ok fine not floor but on web.
MM:1 – OK, leave him alone. I think he is mature enough to take on responsibilities.
I still cant figure out the meaning of the term “responsibilities”
Scene 2: Take 1: Fresh lime juice with samosas was served followed by sprouts. A certain ill mannered fellow in the family (that will be me) had to be interrupted by others for slurping. The interruption was followed by a short lecture on table manners. I wanted to remind them that I was on a swing and so this swing manners is quite acceptable. But I kept that comment to myself.
Me – If you folks are bored, ill take you guys to a movie. Please change the topic.
FM:3 – Thats not going to happen. XYZ aunty knows some girl she would like you to meet?
I spat some of the lime juice as I heard FM:3’s words. My poor spidy friend drowned in the saliva infested pool of lime juice.
Me(Thundered) – I should what? Meet aunty? What the hell? HOW DARE YOU DECIDE THIS ON YOUR OWN!
FM:3 (Meekly) – Not aunty, we are not asking you to look at aunty. Aunty knows some girl.
Now, that what I call a cheeky statement and she got away with that.
MM:2 – Enough of the over-action, stop scolding her. No one is asking you to marry that girl. We are just giving you the information that we would like to begin the bride searching process.
Me – If you want, you get married again. I don’t want to get married anytime soon.
MM:1 – No one is going to marry you anytime soon either!
Me(Now deflated) – What I mean is that iam not ready and please for the last time change topic.
FM:1 – Lets be serious. What kind of a girl you want?
Me – I dont want any girl! Now leave me alone?
FM:3 – Then you want boy? Iam not sure if such wedding are made legal in india. You might have to go to uk for that. Do you have enough money saved?
Me(Trying to find something to throw at FM:3) – Iam just saying that iam not ready to get married yet.
MM:1 – Talking of money, do you have enough money for a comfortable life?
Me – No, iam living like a beggar right now.
MM:1 – MM:2, take his last 3 years account statement and see how he is spending his money. We need to teach this boy how to save.
FM:1 – What qualities do you look in a girl?
Me – Why are you asking such personal questions. When needed I will talk to the prospective girl. Till then leave me alone.
FM:3 – Thats provided the “prospective” girl is still around listening to your conditions!
Me – Its called “expectations” not conditions.
MM:1 got up and walked towards the computer. He returned with a few print outs and handed them to me. What I found in those papers made me flip and fall from the swing. It was paper with details such as my height weight etc along with my to-be (a big ?)partner’s details. The only thing that was missing was her sizes. I didn’t know that matrimonial sites were this disgusting.
MM:2 – Fill up those details. Your interests and hobbies we will fill up. You have all dumb hobbies. Climbing some hill it seems…… climb a tall mountain and be proud. Trekking it seems! To me it sounds like a loser guide to mountain climbing. Please don’t mention your movie taste. They are mostly retarded movies seen by retards. Write some sane names.
MM:2 (to FM:1) – How did we get this specimen in this family?
FM:3 – You must have picked him up from garbage dump!
I could not talk anymore. I wanted to get out of that place.
Scene 3: Take 1: The phone rang and MM:2 answered it. The conversation noted here.
MM:2 – Hello!
PhoneG – Hello! Iam Mr.I-Cant-Mind-My-Own-Business speaking. How are u?
MM:2 – Great to hear from you. Its been quite sometime since we spoke (They spoke 3 days ago)
PhoneG – Yes, I know. I was busy looking for an alliance for Mr. Author-Of-This-Blog and I have few good leads. Are you interested to know?
MM:2 – Why not….. send me details by email. Ill have a look.
Me – You are asking the entire world to look for a girl for me? How embarrassing?
MM:2 – Whats embarrassing about it? How do you think arranged marriages work?
FM:2 – I think you must cut down on your tours and save money.
Me – Iam doing no such thing. Period.
FM:1 – Why are you getting angry on us? We are only doing our duty.
Me – Your duty? I wont curse you if I didn’t get married ever. Please leave me alone.
FM:3 – I have to eat in you wedding. So please get married fast.
Me – Stupid girl, you get married and eat in your own wedding.
Scene 4: Take 1: Door bell rings, MM:1 got up and opened the door. I was closest to the door but I refused to budge. Our Insurance agent walked in.
IA – Namaste saaru!
MM:1 – Ah come in! I have lots of work pending…………
IA (Looking at the room filled with people) – Looks like everyone is busy?
Me – yeah! Can you please get these people to accept some policy you have and get them off my back?
IA – Sure! (With a big smile)
FM:1 (To IA) – We were asking him about his marriage plans
IA – Yes, good thing, boys this age must get married. Otherwise they will spend all the money on something useless
FM:2 – Thats what we are trying to do.
IA (To Me) – I have a “Jeevan Saathi” plan for you? Are you interested?
Me (Shocked) – Policy or Girl?
IA(Laughing) – Both! You buy policy you will get girl
WTH! WTH! Now we have to buy a policy from agent to get a girl. Does this not sound familiar to something we all heard before?First of all iam not interested in getting married to this Jeevan’s Saathi (Assuming Jeevan is a guys name) nor am I interested in Jeevan’s haathi (Thats what I first heard it as)
IA – There is this girl I know. She is daughter of one of my customer. She will be a good match for your son.
Scene 5: Take 1: I ran out of the house. Took the car and drove to my friends house to sleep for the night.
NOTE: As always, this filled with healthy dose of facts and fiction.