…..Of Wedding, Rituals & People Part 1

“Marriages are made in heaven” a well known western phrase which holds true to anywhere in the world. However there is a slight twist in the Indian context. When the west came up with that phrase they did it with their style of wedding in picture. A predominantly Christian society where the wedding takes places with a small group of friends and relatives who are either dressed in white or sober colored clothes with a very light music playing in the background giving a closer to a perceived heavenly experience. In Indian context this is quite the opposite.

A huge cultural diversity makes the wedding experience in India unique and different from picture of heaven perceived by the west. Geographically diving India into two parts, North and South, will make it easy to understand the vast differences in wedding rituals and styles. These were some of my observation and will not apply to each state independently. Apart from a few basic Hindu mantras, most of the rituals are vastly different between the north and the south. I guess one thing both sides commonly agree on a fact that the guests are the most important element in a wedding even more than the Bride and Groom. It is believed that their blessings will go a long way in keeping this couple in happiness and health. How that works logically is yet another argument reserved for another cynical crib.

I broke up the entire wedding scenario into 4 parts.

Guests(Women’s Dressing): The Guests comprise of family friends, relatives and well wishers. They are generally divided into two huge groups each representing the Groom and the Bride. Indian society gives authoritative status to the Groom’s side and a submissive status to the Bride’s side. For simplicity, lets call the Groom’s side as G-Side and Bride’s side as B-Side.

These people take the first few lines of the song “Stairway To Heaven” too seriously.

There’s a lady who’s sure
All that glitters is gold
And she’s buying a stairway to heaven

Its astonishing to find that the logic behind women’s dressing for the wedding in this part of the country somehow reflects the 3 lines of Led Zeppelin’s song. Every lady there is sure that all that glitters is gold. Since the “Marriages are made in heaven” they need glitter to buy themselves a stairway to heaven. I think they need escalator or elevator to reach the “Heaven” for the wedding.
Women attending the wedding are basically divided into 2 categories.

  • Ultra thin girls who look like a decorated Dandiya sticks
  • Women straight out of the weight loss commercials where their picture can be placed in “Before” category.

Actually there is a third category who are just right shape and size. They become the objects to ogle at the wedding by men. So, for the sake of this discussion lets leave out this category. A simple glance will hit you with a realization that these women don’t wear too many gold jeweleries that makes them shine. Instead they have shiny glitter elements stuck all over their Saree which makes it even brighter than gold. Somehow they think it is elegant, but for the outsider it looks like they had a pig fight in a pigsty with glitters all over that got stuck to their clothes. I have a feeling that parading these ladies on the streets of  Copenhagen will convince the world that we are doing our bit to reduce global warming. Let me explain this theory. These women  with glitters is enough to light up the wedding hall. The pencil thin women can act as a tube light while the fat ones can act as floodlights enough for the wedding. This means they save on need for extra lights thus saving electricity which is produced by depletion of natural resources which contribute to the heat. So, instead of making fun of them we need to realize that they are providing a valuable service to the society. If you do not believe me, I can prove my theory mathematically.

To calculate the area which produces the brightness in these women, simple maths says that

SAoWB(Surface Area Of Women Brightness) = SAoW – NIS (Non Illumination Surface)

As we all know the surface area of such women can be calculated using this formula

SAoW(Surface Area Of Women)  = 2π(r2+r·h)
where r is the radius. How this is calculated is left to the readers imagination.
h is the height. This can be generalized to 5’3”.

NIS is calculated by the below formula

NIS =  NSCA(No Saree Cover Area) – PIF (Partial Illumination Factor)
PIF =  GbI + FGO + TF + FG + HIF

Glass bangles Illumination (GbI)
Facial Gold Ornaments (FGO)
Toe Factor (TF)
Facial makeup Glitter (FG)
Hair Illumination Factor (HIF)

HIF  = Brightness/hl
Brightness = sqrt ( .241 R2 + .691 G2 + .068 B2 )
where, RGB is Red, Green, Black.
hl = Hair Length
The need for Brightness of hair is to illustrate the power of hair color/Mehendi which can add to the brightness factor. Using these formulas one can calculate the brightness illuminated by these women. Its mind-blowing to see that NIS factor is so small or sometimes 0 in few women cases. Thus I conclude that these are energy efficient women. Kudos!

South: The women in south would not want to lose out to the their counterparts in the north. To compete they have their own strategy. Lets examine this breed. The glitter factor plays a important here too. So, women here are equally qualified to apply for the poster women of  Copenhagen Convention. There is a major difference in glitter factor as far as these women are concerned. In this part of the country, women are obsessed with Silk Saree’s mostly from Mysore, Kachipuram etc which form the base of wedding dress. A new factor known as the skin tone factor comes into play here. Unlike the Northies, women in this part of the country are of darker complexion which can negate the glitter factor thereby lose the edge to the Northies. Before we examine the strategy of  these women, lets first look at the broad classification of women. Again, there are 2 categories.

  • “Turmeric Paste On The Face” women
  • Not the right sized women with flower factor

The first is a unique breed of women who has insecurities w.r.t the skin color. These women with darker skin tone use turmeric to get fair. I do not know why this fuss about the skin color, but it looks like “In Pursuit Of Fairness” is the way of life in this part of the country. I don’t know who told these people that yellow color on darker background will turn white? They look ridiculous, more like a yellow alien from Mars. The other category women are even worse, they not only want to hide their dark skin under yellow paste of turmeric, they also want to cover their black hair with white flowers to hide its color. These are known as “flower garden” women. They have a whole array of flowers growing on their head. This doesn’t stop with just flowers, sometime one get to see the flower gardens with leaves too!! Iam pretty sure if the flowers and leaves on their heads were to undergo evolution they will survive by sucking the oil our of their hairs rather than water. Do you realize what this means? It could also mean that the new genetically evolved flowers can attract bees with their smell. The bees however will not find nectar in that but just coconut oil. This will make the bees undergo evolution and they will start collecting coconut oil instead of honey, and that will be the end of honey industry in the world. Coming back to the glitter factor, the women in this part of the country decided to overcome the skin limitation by using a complete glitter Silk Saree’s instead of the partial glitter stuck all over the Saree. This resembles the Night Reflective Items worn by the traffic police which help vehicles identify the police in the dark and avoid collusion. This is a clever strategy to compete for the Energy Efficient Women Of India. The formula used for calculating the glitter level of north indian women can be applied here with slight changes.

SAoWB(Surface Area Of Women Brightness) = SAoW – NIS (Non Illumination Surface)

The Surface Area of South Indian Women can be calculated using the formula:

SAoW(Surface Area Of Women)  = 4πr2

The height factor is negligible in this case.

NIS is calculated by the below formula

NIS =  NSCA(No Saree Cover Area) – HDC (Hair Decoration Constant) –  PIF (Partial Illumination Factor)


HDC = µɸΩ²/ 3.5643Ψᾱ
If you were wondering what each of the values are in the formula to get HDC, let me assure you that its an area of research and no one can come up with the right value. When you can get these women to understand the concept of elegant dressing, then this value becomes 0. Till then your guess is as good as mine.


Dressed In Gold (DIG)
Rest Ornaments Not Gold (RONG)

This concludes the women dressing for wedding in two part of the country. Click here for the Men’s Dressing. 


6 responses to “…..Of Wedding, Rituals & People Part 1

  1. HE HE….good one varun…typically u 😉
    but i am afraid its true 🙂

  2. Too good 🙂 awaiting the next part. Guess that will be the most funny part, how u men dress 😀

  3. Pingback: …..Of Wedding, Rituals & People Part 2 « Hobbies Of The Earth Bound Misfit

  4. Looks like you have too much tym on your hands…:)………..but hav to agree its all true..:P

  5. simply superb … cant stop laughin …gr8 work

  6. thanks a lot folks! Iam yet to finish the rest…

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